McCain Picks Rohrbach!
August 29, 2008 | Funny, Politics | Comments [1]
Hey, guys, does John McCain’s new running mate remind you of anyone we all know (and love)?
Have a Great Kick-Off!
April 27, 2008 | Funny | Comments [5]
AFTER ALL, WHO KNOWS BETTER THAN MORTICIANS THE IMPORTANCE
OF HAVING A LITTLE FUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
Hey, Lainie: Remember the little fat kid in MonroevilleLuverne, AL, who told you “Today’s Fun Day?”
You have to tell that story.
Remember This On Your Birthday(s)
April 26, 2008 | Funny | Comments [7]
DON’T DOWNLOAD MUSIC ILLEGALLY!
He’s My Daddy!!
March 29, 2008 | Funny | No Comments
Jason’s little nephew, Nathanial, came to Jordan’s party. He’s five years old. He loves Jason, and went over and climbed up in his lap. He needs a lot of love, evidentally, because his mother left the family a year ago. (That part is not funny)
Anyway, they were sitting on the back porch, and I walked into the den, because Teyla was rolling on the floor, kicking and screaming, “He’s my daddy! He’s my daddy!”
I asked her what was the matter, and she told me that she wasn’t talking to me, and Luis went in to see, and she told him that she wasn’t talking to him, either. She continued to roll and cry, “he’s my daddy!”
Finally, I think it was Luis that went out to get Jason. Jason came in and picked Teyla up. He reassured her that he was her daddy, but that Nathanial was her cousin, and that he was Nathanial’s uncle, and that he loved him. He explained that it was okay to love more than one person. He said, “I’ll always be your daddy, Teyla.”
Finally, she seemed okay, and she went on off to play.
Money-Saving Tip No. 384
March 19, 2008 | Funny | Comments [3]
“A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.”
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED!
March 19, 2008 | Funny | Comments [3]
A Press Release from the Office of Beth Rohrbach, Our Family’s Only Remaining Federal Employee:
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neuron, 25 assistant neurons, 88 deputy neurons, and 198 assistant deputy neurons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, But instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governm entium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
See the old folks
March 11, 2008 | Funny | Comments [2]
Thought I would share rare footage of Luis B. and I before our date to the Addy awards. We actually got to go out twice that weekend, which I am sure increased our love a hundred fold! Then he delayed my plans to carpet the back room last weekend and we are back to square one. What’s a guy and gal to do?
p.s. I missed the proposed date for the reunion. could someone email it to me?
Thanks, Julie
The Dog Is Man’s Best Friend!
March 5, 2008 | Funny | Comments [1]
If you need convincing, try this little thought experiment:
Take your dog, and your wife, and lock them both in the trunk of your car. Two hours later, let them both out.
Now, which one do you think’s going to be happy to see you?
Start Feb w/ a smile
February 1, 2008 | Funny | Comments [3]
OK, I rarely laugh in February… here’s something to start the Leap year month off right:)
The Atheist and the Bear -
An Atheist was walking through the woods.
“What majestic trees”!
“What powerful rivers”!
“What beautiful animals”!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear
charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He
tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but
saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his
left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, “Oh my God!”
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
“You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”
“I am however merciful and all forgiving to those who have proven their faith in me. How would you like me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer”?
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical
of me to suddenly call myself a Christian and expect all the blessings to flow to me as one that has proven their faith, I know that your animal creations are all innocent and without sin in that innocence. Perhaps you could evoke Christian qualities in the BEAR so we both might grow from this experience”?
“Very Well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:
“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Just to clear the air. . .
January 31, 2008 | Funny | Comments [3]
<>My husband greatly exaggerated the story of oatmeal fudge cookies for dramatic effect. Which looked like it worked out great for me, you all are so nice! All I really said was that I was too tired on Sunday to make cookies (not realizing at this time that oatmeal fudge cookies are no-bake) and all I had energy for was to spread boxed brownies in a pan. We did find a recipe on allrecipes.com, but since they still have cocoa, we still might need suggestions for literally clearing the air–Glade air freshner anyone?
<>Love, Julie
<>p.s. good luck Crystal! What a special day is ahead of you! Our thoughts and prayers are with you, and give kisses to James Michael!
Make Like A Tree Comics
January 30, 2008 | Funny | No Comments
Hey, Ben! Ever heard of these guys?
They just, I dunno, made me think of you. Go figure.
Maybe a little too much Harry Potter?
January 18, 2008 | Funny, Kid Brag | Comments [5]
So, some time last week, Mom, Teyla and I were hanging out in the ‘office’. Teyla looked at the chandelier and thought there was a spider. When mom and I looked, there was no spider, however there could have been with so many cobwebs. So, we decided to clean the chandelier. Teyla immediately went and got the broom to try to sweep it. Well, I found the feather duster and told her we were going to use it instead since it would be easier and more effective. Teyla looked at the feather duster, looked at the broom looked at Nana, handed her the broom and said, “Go fly somewhere!”
Fairies, flora, and fauna
January 16, 2008 | Funny | Comments [4]
On Saturday morning, Benjamin and Lily ran off to the playroom right after breakfast. When they returned, Benjamin was wearing the fairy wings from the dress up box and announced, “I’m a bug!” Later, Lily and her friends painted his fingernails, then he wanted to play ponies with me, and he also had to be the mother pioneer in the Lincoln log set and said he was cooking waffles for everyone. I think he may need some daddy/male bonding time.
I played “house” with Lily and she got all dressed up and proclaimed she had a boyfriend Mark. When I asked her more questions, she sassily shook her hip at me and said, “He’s mine.” I don’t know where she picked that up from, but the vision into teenagehood was really scary.
The Mom Song
January 11, 2008 | Funny | Comments [1]
I thought of Beth the whole time I watched this.
All five times I watched it, actually.
The singer is comedienne Anita Renfroe who lives in Atlanta.
LYRICS
Get up now
Get up now
Get up out of bed
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
Comb your sleepy head
Here’s your clothes
And your shoes
Hear the words I said
Get up now
Get up and make your bed
Are you hot?
Are you cold?
Are you wearing that?
Where’s your books and your lunch and your homework at?
Grab your coat and your gloves and your scarf and hat
Don’t forget you got to feed the cat
Eat your breakfast
The experts tell us it’s the most important meal of all
Take your vitamins so you will grow up one day to be big and tall
Please remember the orthodontist will be seeing you at three today?
Don’t forget your piano lesson is this afternoon
So you must play
Don’t shovel
Chew slowly
But hurry
The bus is here
Be careful
Come back here
Did you wash behind your ears?
Play outside
Don’t play rough
Would you just play fair?
Be polite
Make a friend
Don’t forget to share
Work it out
Wait your turn
Never take a dare
Get along
Don’t make me come down there
Clean your room
Fold your clothes
Put your stuff away
Make your bed
Do it now
Do we have all day?
Were you born in a barn?
Would you like some hay
Can you even hear a word I say?
Answer the phone
Get Off the phone
Don’t sit so close
Turn it down
No texting at the table
No more computer time tonight
Your iPod’s my iPod if you don’t listen up
Where you going and with whom and what time do you think you’re coming home?
Saying thank you, please, excuse me
Makes you welcome everywhere you roam
You’ll appreciate my wisdom
Someday when you’re older and you’re grown
Can’t wait ’til you have a couple little children of your own
You’ll thank me for the counsel I gave you so willingly
But right now
I thank you NOT to roll your eyes at me
Close your mouth when you chew
Would appreciate
Take a bite
Maybe two
Of the stuff you hate
Use your fork
Do not you burp
Or I’ll set you straight
Eat the food I put upon your plate
Get an A, Get the door
Don’t get smart with me
Get a Grip
Get in here I’ll count to 3
Get a job
Get a life
Get a PhD
Get a dose of…
I don’t care who started it
You’re grounded until your 36
Get your story straight
And tell the truth for once for heaven’s sake
And if all your friends jumped off a cliff
Would you jump too?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said at least a thousand times before that
You’re too old to act this way
It must be your father’s DNA
Look at me when I am talking
Stand up straight when you walk
A place for everything
And everything must be in place
Stop crying or I’ll give you something real to cry about
Oh!
Brush your teeth
Wash your face
Get your PJs on
Get in bed
Get a hug
Say a prayer with Mom
Don’t forget
I love you
**KISS**
And tomorrow we will do this all again because a mom’s work never ends
You don’t need the reason why
Because
Because
Because
Because
I said so
I said so
I said so
I said so
I’m the Mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
The mom
Ta-da
Words by Anita Renfroe Copyright 2007 Bluebonnet Hills Music/BMI